From Ricky Gervais Presents: The World of Karl Pilkington
Steve: Question here: 'Karl, what would you change if you were in charge of what kids are taught in school?'
Karl: What I'd do, right, instead of sort of teaching kids about two and two and that - which is four, right?
Ricky: Show off.
Karl: I think they should be asked more questions that make 'em think rather than something that has just got an answer.
Ricky: I totally agree. Teach them a desire for a quest for knowledge, inflaming their imagination.
Karl: But just freaking them out a bit as well.
Steve: I knew where that was going. As soon as you started talking, Rick, I was thinking, you're thinking of some of the big existential or philosophical questions, 'What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to interact with other people?' Whereas …
Ricky: He was thinking, 'freak 'em out a bit'.
Karl: Just like, you know, I read the other day that a dishwasher has been found on Mars.
Ricky: Rubbish.
Karl: So tell 'em that and say … Steve: But it's not true!
Karl: … go home and write about it. 'How did that happen?'
Ricky: But it didn't happen.
Karl: Well, it did happen. It was in a science magazine.
Ricky: No, it didn't happen. There was not a dishwasher on Mars.
Karl: Why not?
Ricky: I'll tell you why not. How did it get there?
Karl: But we're always sending rubbish out there and that.
Ricky: Not dishwashers! What do you think, the council take it away and they think, 'Where can we put it? Well, the tip's full, where's the nearest place we can dump this? Mars, I imagine.'
Karl: No, but the same way that fella who - I don't know, was it two Christmases ago? When he was messing about saying, 'I can get stuff to Mars' and all that. He did it wrong 'cos he did it on Boxing Day and I just think nobody's concentrating. No one wants to work on that day, they are gonna do stuff sort of half-arsed, aren't they, on Boxing Day. So it didn't really get there I don't think, but it crash-landed.
Steve: A probe, do you mean?
Karl: Yeah. But the thing is, it got there, didn't open properly. No one's been back to pick it up. And what I'm saying is, we're saying about going to Mars as our next planet. It's a tip! There's loads of stuff that's been fired up there.
Ricky: No, no it' hasn't.
Karl: It has. Like that probe thing is still there, rotting away.
Ricky: So, ipso facto, there is a dishwasher on Mars? We've settled that. Why would they have a dishwasher on Mars? Would they take the dishwasher up in the space shuttle in case they had dinner parties? What are you talking about?
Karl: I just think they would have a little dishwasher in there. There's a lot of them. Tight space. You don't want arguments: 'Who's gonna do the washing up?'
Ricky: Do you know how much fuel it takes to move a kilogram out of the earth's atmosphere? They're going to take up a dishwasher, are they?
Karl: How many people does it take to fly a rocket? Tell me, how many people?
Steve: Well it's either one monkey, with a banana chute that feeds it, or probably two or three humans.
Karl: Right, say it's three humans. Now there's three humans because they need one to steer it, one to be going, 'Yeah, we're all right.'
Steve: And one to make some hors d'oeuvres?
Karl: No, what I'm saying is, if you're gonna start having a sink, then whoever's washing up…
Ricky: They haven't got a sink!
Karl: I know, 'cos they've got a dishwasher!
Steve: (laughing) Ah, he's got you there.
Karl: But anyway, I'm not gonna go into that.
All I'm saying is, teach kids things, say to 'em, 'Right, when you go home tonight, there was dinosaurs knocking about ages ago, how would you have lived with them? Get on with it. See you later.'
Ricky: Well, they didn't. I've told you this before.
Karl: All right then, here's a different question. Would it be better to have dinosaurs knocking about now, while we're here? I put that in my diary the other day, that when you think about it, there's a population problem. There's too many of us… We're saving people all the time. No one's allowed to get injured any more. You've got to wear a helmet when you're on a bike. There's speed bumps to slow people down. Zebra crossings. Cures for illnesses. No one's dying any more.
Ricky: I think they are.
Karl: Not as many as there should be, because the world's crowded.
Ricky: I think there are still people dying.
Karl: Not that many, though.
Ricky: Yeah, I think there are still millions of people dying.
Karl: Loads of people are living longer, and that's the problem. So what I'm saying is…
Steve: You think you should introduce Tyrannosaurus rex into London?
Karl: Wandering around.
Steve: Just have them wandering around, just picking people off?
Karl: Just sort of random and that. I mean I'm not wishing that anyone I know dies and that, but all I'm saying is, I don't know anyone who's died for ages. Whereas if a dinosaur was knocking about, you'd go, 'Oh, Neil's gone missing …'
Ricky laughs.
Karl: Whatever. I just think then it is survival of the fittest. We have lost all that now. You don't even have to be fit to survive. They just keep sticking a new lung on you.
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